This was an anomoly to say the least. Usually I lay in bed for a while until I really have to get up (usually 30 minutes before I have to leave for work - enough time to get showered and pull my wet hair back and get dressed.) and even then I dread the day. I usually have zero energy, and zero desire to do anything but lay in bed all day.
I welcomed this mornings jolt of energy.
As I was doing my hair and pointing out to Ryan that I was actually doing my hair today he said, "geez - you do your hair for people at work, but not for me.", to which I responded, "actually I do my hair for no one else but me." He then came back with, "you must be feeling better because you are full of sass today". Haha! Yes, I was feeling better.
The past few months have been some of the hardest I've had in a really, REALLY long time. I mean seriously. I have been in a bad state of depression. So bad that there were a few nights where all I wanted to do was take some sleeping pills and not ever wake up. Yeah, it was bad.
My new job has been a challenge to say the least. My confidence has been shaken so much, more so than it was before, that I would come home everyday and cry to Ryan. I'd cry as I'd lay in bed listening to Ryan snore. I cried on my drive to work. I'd cry on my drive home from work. I'd cry on Sundays knowing Monday was coming. I'd cry after turning down Ryan's proposal to be intimate because I felt so bad that I was turning him down. I cried ALL. THE. TIME!
Everything made me sad. I was a complete wreck - a mess. I was stressed more than I ever felt stress in my life. I gained weight. I didn't work out. I sat on the couch every day, or I slept. I hurt. My body hurt. My spirit hurt. My stomach hurt.
I prayed each day to find another job. I submitted Resume after Resume desperate for something that would be better emotionally, and physically for me. I told Heavenly Father that this wasn't the job for me and that this challenge was too great. I had a job interview that I thought went so well, but I didn't get the job.
As the stress continued to grow I prayed and prayed, "Heavenly Father you have to help me. I see this going two ways. Either I'm going to die of stress or I need to you bless me with a new job." I couldn't see any good come out of this job.
Here's the thing.
Before getting this new job I prayed to feel more challenged. I knew where I was at XANGO wasn't giving me the challenge I needed to progress in this life. I felt I was done with progressing there. I prayed and prayed that I could find something that would give me a challenge and help me progress. Yep. I asked for it.
He gave me a challenge, a big one. I didn't realize how much growing and stretching would be taking place here.
The past week has been the best week here. I feel I'm finally understanding things. I see how this is helping me grow, and I am grateful for it.
Doing my hair today represents a change. It may be a small change, but it's something. I have a desire to find my role in this life and live it to the fullest. I have a desire to be the best that I can be.. to help motivate others and realize their role.
I have been relying a lot of my patriarchal blessing a lot lately. Trying to understand certain parts of it and figuring out what it means, and what it means I'm supposed to do.
In the meantime I am going to keep fighting, and keep pushing myself. To find strength within and from above to help me keep going and not give up.
Ahh...it feels good to write all of that out. :)
